It Takes Balls
It’s official. The world has gone mad. According to a recent media report Australian men
are flocking to get a new wrinkle reducing procedure. Scrotox. Like botox, the idea is to
reduce wrinkles. But not in the face, in your balls. The place every one looks. Because
we all know thats something men have always needed. ‘Trevor’s a nice bloke but his sack
is a mess. It really ages him.’ Yep, what man doesn’t desire a date with his own big
smooth balls. His very own shiny billiards nestling under the pool cue. I don’t get it. I
understand penis pumpers, penis enlargers, and in some rare cases, penis reductions,
but wrinkle free nuggets? I guess it would make them easier to shave or rest in egg cups
if thats the kind of thing you’re into, but I frankly can’t see the point of having the family
jewels all perfect and smooth. Who are you showing anyway? When have gorgeous
gonads ever been a pre requisite for anything? For a start, its a ballsack. Swamp nuts.
Cojones. Bollocks. They live in the underpants and lurk behind a piece of anatomy that
very naturally attracts a lot more publicity. When it comes to PR its all about the penis.
Come show time, the ballsack sits backstage watches the front pocket show pony from
the wings. Doesn’t matter how much botox you shoot in your balls, its never gonna rival
the cock. The penis is a simple structure, but impressive enough to feature on grand
designs. There’s a reason why buildings have been modelled after the phallus instead of
the nutsack. Nut sacks aren’t sexy. Nor are they architecturally sound. It’s like high rise
versus a hairy yurt after a hail storm. It may come to a shock to most men, but women (I
can’t speak for gay men, but I’m assuming they’re not in the ball park either) just aren’t
that interested in your nuts. In fact in all my years, in my most sexually explicit
conversations with girlfriends about the prowess of their new lover I’ve never heard a
single woman say ‘My god, you should see his ball sack! It’s amazing. Not a wrinkle! He
has the scrotum of a 10 year old!’ The poor old nads have never rated a mention. I don’t
mean to be cruel, but we don’t really care about your sack. I’ve never looked at my
partner’s ball sack (actually I think I try not to look)…and thought, if only I could iron out
those wrinkles. ‘Darling get some anusol on those things!’ And, I’ve never fantasised
about a partner with a giant jewel bag. Thats the other effect of Scrotox, it makes your
balls bigger. I’m not actually sure what purpose Big Balls actually serve other than
inspiring the lyrics of an AC/DC song for the amusement of adolescents in the 70’s. It
didn’t take a genius to work out that this wasn’t a a song about a cocktail ball. On the
upside, Scrotox is purported to reduce sweating. No more sweaty ball sacks. Thats not
just a sell point, thats an ad campaign. I guess if you have a profusely sweating scrotum
that somehow impedes your enjoyment of life, like you slip off bikeseats or had some sort
of debilitating jock rotting condition that destroyed furniture then maybe you might
consider Scrotox. So why Scrotox? And why now? Because botox is big business and big
business relies on expanding the market. There’s a finite supply of women’s faces to
store cosmetic botox. That’s a market that’s been very comfortably exploited. But
testicles. Thats a dark and hidden place of shame for men. Scrotox is just more market
exploitation of human inadequacies and self loathing. What man when faced with his
sagging prunes wouldn’t jump at the chance of a couple of Xmas plums? Please blokes.
Let the balls swing free. Imagine a world where nut sacks were perfect. Pert and swollen
like boiled eggs in a body stocking. Where they didn’t slip out on a hot summers day
down the left leg of Uncle Barry’s king gees and emerge like a slowly escaping
marsupial? That’s a world I just don’t want to live in. Buck the system and free ball.