The Beauty Rort 0

Good looking people get away with more than ugly people. It’s a fact. The only people

who wouldn’t agree with this are beautiful people. But that’s because they’ve been batting

their long lashes and getting away with murder for years. In fact if they do want to murder

someone, beautiful people generally just hire an ugly person to do it. Have a look at who’s

in jail. I don’t want to be cruel, but there ain’t no faces from Australia’s next top model

pressed up against the glass. Nope. Sorry, ‘not beautiful’ people, its not enough being

‘ugly’ and spending your life feeling overlooked, turns out you have to work harder as

well. Oh, and you won’t be paid as well. Or get the credit for al the hard work you do. A

good looking person will swoop in and get that. However, your job unattractive people is

still important. Because if you didn’t exist, then being beautiful would be meaningless. If

everyone was beautiful, then no one would be. Beautiful people only exist because of the

ugly default. They need us. Beautiful people find it hard to get other beautiful people to do

things for them. Thats why their marriages never work. Look at Brad and Ange. All that

radiant gorgeousness deflecting off the other, and neither of them ever managing to put

the bin out. Beautiful people need plain people so someone else can take the blame,

they get to move the boxes, to make the bed, to bury the body. Thats right fellow ugly

people. Grab that shovel and start digging. You will always work harder and get less

credit than the beautiful people. It’s why ageing used to be such an awesome thing. It was

the great leveller. Beautiful people lost their beauty. They joined the ranks of the plain and

the passed over and suddenly had to get useful. For some it came as a bit of a shock to

find a book at 40 but now there’s botox they’re no longer needed. Thanks to plastic

surgery, and injecting more fillers than a bean bag factory, beautiful people can remain

useless forever! Beautiful people say naff things about being beautiful all the time –

pretending it doesn’t mean anything to them. It’s a lie. It means everything to them. They

just don’t want the ugly people who do shit for them to wake up to the beauty rort. The

genius Jennifer Lopez has been quoted putting her spin on the adage “beauty is only skin

deep.” JLo goes on to say “I think whats’ really important is finding a balance of mind,

body and spirit.” Well thats a load of bullshit. If I want insight on the subject, I turn to an

ugly woman like Dorothy Parker. This thin lipped social commentator, satirist and poet

nailed it with her quip ‘beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bones.’ Sounds

nasty? Nope. Parker was speaking from experience, and decades later we’ve followed it

up with a study that actually proves that life favours attractive people. It’s called the

‘beauty bias’ and it means attractive people are not just ascribed more positive

personality traits like intelligence and kindness they are also given unfair advantages in

both the workplace and legal proceedings. Apparently beautiful women also have an

easier time taking advantage of men financially. (Beautiful women have been informally

conducting that research since Cleopatra got Mark Antony to kiss her asp.) It’s not exactly

clear why we behave differently towards attractive people, perhaps its that we are more

open to unfair offers from attractive people or deep down we all believe inner beauty is for

fat people. Or perhaps its just that at the end of the day we let beautiful people get away

with stuff because we’re after a root. Although I wouldn’t know. I’m too beautiful.

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