Confessions of a bad mum… 33

I hate Mothers Day…

So it’s Mother’s Day. I hate Mother’s Day. I hate the picture of Motherhood that shows a nice neat Mum smiling beatifically on worming medication or holding hands with her family while wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and running on the beach. I don’t do that. I don’t know any mums that do that shit. I’m the angry mum sitting in the car. I’m the bored mum sitting in school assembly. I’m the drunk  mum at the family BBQ. I love my kids but frankly being a Mum didn’t complete me. I don’t define myself by the fruit of my vagina.  I’m not a picture of a mum on instagram in a boho dress at the farmers market with  long haired surfie kids  called Wolf and Phoenix wearing white singlets and shell necklaces. When did we start styling our kids? How do these hipster mums get their kids to wear necklaces? It started with that stupid amber bead bullshit. By the way. Amber beads are amber beads. Doesn’t do anything for teething pain. Next time you have a migraine why don’t you try sucking on an amber bead and compare that to the effectiveness of a Nurofen? I thought the cult of Mum would decline, that it would start to tell a more ‘real’ story so that women wouldn’t beat up on themselves about their failure to parent. Or at least look like the pictures of parenting.  But I think its got worse. These days Mums have to be up at 4am to hand craft  sushi rolls to put in the $100 stainless steel lunchbox.  Their kids’ birthday parties have to be crafted by artisans. All the dads have to have beards. And flannie shirts. It’s mandatory. The other day I saw a group on Facebook for mums who call themsevles ‘Baby Wearers’. Yep. They all wear their babies and meet in the park and talk about why they’re better than other mums who don’t wear their babies. Wow, that must be a fun group to belong to. I was a baby wearer. And I didn’t do it because I was into ‘attachment’ parenting. I did it because I didn’t have a car. I had to wear the baby so I could carry my wine home from the bottle shop.

So I thought with Mother’s Day approaching, I might confess my top ten mother sins.This is the stuff you won’t see on instagram.

1. I have spent my kid’s birthday money. And I didn’t pay it back. I thought I would, but I never got around to it. I mean when the pot dealer comes around and wants their $50 you have to pay them. I did it for child safety.

2. I smoked weed while I breast fed. I eventually gave up, but my first kid was supped on stoner milk. She still can’t add up but weirdly she knows what a pound is.

3. I have put more kids in the car than I have seat belts. Yep. Thats’ right I’m a seatbelt outlaw.

4. I have knowingly sent my kid to school with nits. I’ve seen one crawling on the child’s head and I put a hat on it.

5. I’ve given a ‘gluten intolerant’ child visitor a wheat based snack and nothing happened. I lied to the mum and said my banana bread was gluten free. It wasn’t. It had heaps of gluten in it. The kid had two slices.

6. I’ve lied to get out of canteen. I said I had a ’staff infection’ in my finger and I was worried I’d infect the whole school. Truth was I had a hangover.

7. Once when Zoe licked a battery and she said ‘will I die?’ I said ‘Yes, probably’ and she had a full blown panic attack. I don’t know what happened that day, the compassion pantry was empty. At nearly 22 she still can’t touch batteries. I’ve given her a proper phobia. I did that. Me.

8. I have forgotten to pick up every one of my kids from school at some point in their life. They’re the one you see waiting on their own looking forlorn. I don’t know what happened. It’s like I had sudden onset breeding dementia.

9. I have begged my kid not to do their homework because I couldn’t be stuffed helping them.

10.When the kids were small I made them watch the Ring with me because I was scared. I said it was a kids’ film because there was a girl in it. They were all traumatised.

11. I have cried to guilt my kid and get my own way. Unfortunately emotional manipulation stops working  when they’re teenagers. Unless they’re men.

12. I never stick to my own rules. When I say last chance. There are always a lot more because I couldn’t be bothered following through. So I’m hardly going to stick to 10.

So there it is. Happy Mother’s Day. You’re probably not the best mum in the world. But you’re all your kids will ever know.

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17 thoughts on “Confessions of a bad mum…

  1. Bloody brilliant. Love your take on just about everthing but especially parenting. Happy Mothers day from Loz and Kel 😉

  2. Thank you! Every time I read your mother rant material, I think, “she is my spirit animal, my other self, I am that mother!”

  3. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 did I sleep write this?
    No because I was laughing/ snorting so loud my man kicked me out of bed, I couldn’t have related more!! 😂😂

  4. I remember in the 70’s and 80’s growing up as a celiac, sometimes people didn’t understand the disease and gave me gluten. The reaction isn’t instant although it lasts for weeks. It’s not like an allergy where you come out in a rash. You have violent diarrhea and malnutrition for weeks. A celiac’s pancreas can’t make the enzymes to digest gluten so when the food passes through the intestines it isn’t broken down and it breaks off the lining of the gut, preventing and absorption of nutrients for weeks till the villi grow back. It’s a silent disability which should be respected

  5. Oh Mandy!
    I’m here in Vietnam, been away from Soapbox for almost a year! Oh how I miss your wit! I’m too busy and lazy to read it each week electronically. But here you are on my Faceache Feed and you have brought a smile to my face and a giggle to my mind.
    Happy Mother’s Day.
    Thank you.

  6. Perfect! Just perfect!! Happy Mothers Day to us all! Mandy I am one happy mother to be still able to enjoy your words as far afield as Sydney. Bless you and all your wonderful imperfections! Xx

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